GOT YOUR BACON!! Pigs Cuff and Stuff Wolf

Early this morning reports began surfacing on Twitter of a large and aggressive canine menacing homes across West Bacon. This evening local PBSO deputies coordinated with the county SWAT team to corral Valerius Geist (above, 19) inside The Bricks just north of Clint Moore.
According to the probable cause affidavit, Geist first attacked a new home in Sandalstraw just west of 441 near the Cumberland Farms. After destroying that house he chased the occupant, Larry, who ran to his brother Darryl’s new house in Bacon Wood North.
Geist allegedly destroyed that house as well, and then followed the brothers down Yamato, up Lyons and into The Bricks where they hid in the mansion of their other brother Darryl.
Geist exhausted himself trying to destroy this third house, and deputies bravely pounced on him after he passed out. West Bacon News spoke with local PBSO Captain Mark Porkenberg who said he was relieved they were able to get Geist under control without anyone getting hurt.
PBSO then took Geist up north where he was booked. He is being represented by Public Defender Carey Hwecantspellhername. Per court records he has had 47 previous cases including 12 felonies starting at the age of 14. All of his previous cases were dropped by the State’s Attorney. Charged with multiple counts including aggravated assault with deadly breath, vandalism, resisting an officer without violence, and attempted murder, he was released on $3000 bond and will be coming to your neighborhood sometime after midnight.
From his Facebook account, Geist appears to be an avid basketball fan, especially of Kevin Love and the Minnesota Timberwolves. His reported address is southeast of the corner of Lyons and Palmetto Park Road, and he’s a student at West Rio Hills High. Principal Frank Giblet blamed The Obama-Holder Justice Department for keeping the school district from disciplining troubled kids.

Warren Piglich, founder of West Bacon News, is a criminal defense and personal injury lawyer and of-counsel to Dewey Cheatham & Howe. He loves to eat bacon and can be reached at 999-BACON-LAW. All arrestees are guilty until Warren finds a way to cheat the system and get them out.

Our other arrest to report happened a couple days ago. West Bacon High’s baseball star, Igpay Atinlay (17), was charged with domestic battery and grand theft. Allegedly he took his sister’s iPad and she called 911. He is expected to be released tomorrow morning so he can make it to the next game.